


Dear Sarah and James

by blessedharlot



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Artist Steve Rogers, Babies, Baby Shower, Birth, Diary/Journal, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Food, Found Family, Gen, Medical, Pregnancy, Stay-at-Home Dad, Twins, Working Mom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-10 22:09:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11700852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blessedharlot/pseuds/blessedharlot
Summary: Dear Sarah and James,Your mother and I just came back from our obstetrician with some very exciting news. We thought we’d be meeting only one of you in about 30 weeks’ time. We’ve just discovered that we get to meet you both.My heart is so full that I’ve found myself at a loss for words. And maybe by the time you’re old enough to read this, you’ll know just how remarkable that is.But for right now, as I begin to find my words again, I want to write them down for you... here, in this journal. With pen and paper. My plan is to hold on to this until you’re both eighteen. I want you to have this record... of your mom’s pregnancy, of your early childhood, and of who we are right now. Time is so strange. It’s kind, and it’s brutal. It gives so much, and it takes so much away. I want you to have a record of this point in time. Mostly, it’s so you know just how loved you’ve been from the very beginning of all of this.-=-=-=-=-Sharon has twins, and Steve keeps a journal.





	Dear Sarah and James

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by a tumblr post that escalated among mutuals. In particular, Mexicanlaurakinney came up with the idea of Sharon specifically having twins, and Goyaveh suggested Steve making illustrations of the babies’ first year. Special thank yous to both of them for letting me fold their ideas into this.
> 
> Sharon and Steve have a son and daughter in the comics, Ian and Ellie. This is a very different story, so I used different names.

Dear Sarah and James,

Your mother and I just came back from our obstetrician with some very exciting news. We thought we’d be meeting only one of you in about 30 weeks’ time. We’ve just discovered that we get to meet you both.

My heart is so full that I’ve found myself at a loss for words. And maybe by the time you’re old enough to read this, you’ll know just how remarkable that is.

But for right now, as I begin to find my words again, I want to write them down for you... here, in this journal. With pen and paper. My plan is to hold on to this until you’re both eighteen. I want you to have this record... of your mom’s pregnancy, of your early childhood, and of who we are right now. Time is so strange. It’s kind, and it’s brutal. It gives so much, and it takes so much away. I want you to have a record of this point in time. Mostly, it’s so you know just how loved you’ve been from the very beginning of all of this.

Your mom is about eight weeks along right now. She and I are excited, and nervous. We want to do right by you. We want to give you everything you could possibly need. I grew up in a very different environment than you will, with a much different, much smaller set of resources available to my mom. It’s really dizzying how much more we can offer to you now than I got. I’m really grateful.

Right now, at your age and for a while, our work is mostly about keeping you alive and as healthy as we can. A lot of things are not in our hands. But there are two of us who love you, and we have a lot of friends who already love you too. I’m often quite overwhelmed that we somehow lucked out and have this much to give to you. We don’t deserve all this, but you certainly do.

We’re doing some waiting right now, with a lot of unknowns. I’m sitting here with a lot of questions we still have, and with so much wonder in my heart at this gift we’ve been given.

But what I already know is, you’re perfect. And we can’t wait to meet you.

 

Dear Sarah and James,

It’s just been a day since we found out. They gave us a video of the ultrasound and I’ve been watching it on a loop. They showed us each of your heads. And then they showed where you’re starting to grow your arms and legs… first one of you, and then the other. And we saw the fluttering of your hearts. I just don’t know how to tell you how beautiful they are, flickering on the screen.

To be fair, we don’t know your sexes yet. Sarah and James were our two favorite names, and we were already using both when we thought there was just one of you. And so far, we just keep doing that. Maybe I should have used something more general for my introduction letter here, maybe I’ve already made a dad mistake. But then again, we really won’t know for sure what names you prefer until you’re old enough to tell us anyway. Ask your Uncle Bucky about his Aunt Millicent some time, who everybody thought was a man until she set them all straight at the age of forty. It seems folks know a little more about such things now. We’re gonna try to make room for you to tell us anything like that well before you’re forty. But for now, we’ll call you Sarah and James, and we’ll just see how things fall out from there.

Once your mom and I decided we wanted kids… well, it turns out, we may be impatient people. That’s for you to decide at this point. But really, my point now is... we were ready to start having kids right away, and we can’t get over our luck that we get to dive in with two of you immediately. We’re floored that we get this miracle.

For various different reasons, we’re working with a big medical team who are monitoring you closely. Just by virtue of being twins, the process is a little riskier than average, so they wanna keep close tabs. But beyond that, your dad has kind of a weird medical history, with some high highs and low lows. So. We’re keeping a very close eye on you. Just to be safe.

 

Dear Sarah and James,

Your mom’s at ten weeks, which is apparently the appropriate time to start telling people. To be honest, we both jumped the gun on that. As soon as mom thought she might be pregnant, I told your Uncle Bucky and Uncle Sam, and she told Aunt Nat, who told Uncle Clint and Aunt Laura, and it all just dominoed from there.

Darn it. Don’t ever tell your grandparents I told you that part. We just told them today.

I tried to draw some images from your ultrasound. It took some experimenting to try and depict fluttering hearts in a drawing. But I’ve inserted my favorite here.

I love you both.

 

Dear Sarah and James,

Morning sickness runs strong in the Carter family, and apparently the two of you hitching a ride together may, possibly, increase the symptoms. Just a bit.

Your mom’s a trooper, kids. The first goal of this campaign is to let mom have her first meal of the day back.

 

Dear Sarah and James,

One of you kicked me today. Well, I suppose your first action was technically kicking your mother. But the blow reached me too, as I happen to have my head against her belly.

You nailed me directly in the eye. Whoever did it, I’m very proud of your aim.

We’re also taking this as further evidence (on top of the last three ultrasounds) that you have collectively formed at least one limb to kick with. We’re very excited at this development. Hm, unless it was a headbutt. You may have somehow inherited your Uncle Bucky’s gift for headbutting loved ones.

Mom’s at eighteen weeks, and we’re told you’re both doing very well.

 

Dear Sarah and James,

Your mom is at 20 weeks along. We were able to complete another test today, which gave us more specifics about your health. As I mentioned before (and as you’ve probably heard ad nauseum by the time you read this), we weren’t sure whether my history of health issues would hit you two hard or not. We got a lot of goods news from the test today, that may mean your childhoods are a lot easier than mine was. Your mom is very, very relieved, and so am I.

You should know that you come from solid, hearty stock. We’re stubborn, and we’re obstinate. And these are really some of the most important values there are, if you ask me. As a kid, my body didn’t always make it easy for me to be as stubborn as I wanted to be. But I gave it my best shot anyway. By now, your Uncle Bucky has no doubt filled you in on quite a few details of my attempts to save the world when I weighed 70 pounds soaking wet. Yes, he did in fact save me from trouble just as many times as he says he did.

We weren’t sure how my genes might affect your little bodies. But it turns out, your hearts are very strong and your blood has a lot going for it.

We also got the news from this test that we’ll most likely still be calling you two Sarah and James for a while now. That saves me money on white-out for this journal!

Your mother won’t eat much besides Pad Thai these days. You two will either demand peanuts at every single meal, or never tolerate them. With our luck, it’ll be a split vote.

Your mom is so amazing. Her voice, her face, her strength. I’ve never met anyone stronger than your mom. It’s still complicated, managing expectations and desires for motherhood and career and purpose in this world. It’s not easy being pregnant, and it’s not easy carrying the pressure that this society puts on women. But she does it with grace and with joy, and she does so much out of love for you.

 

Sarah and James,

Your mom has spent the last 21 weeks making what is possibly the biggest sacrifice of her motherhood. Now, today, she had the first burger she’s been able to stomach since she discovered she was pregnant.

The sacrifices we’re willing to make!

 

Sarah, James,

I really hope you two like burgers… since that’s all your mom has eaten now for two weeks.

I love you both. Hang in there. You’ll get something else to eat… eventually.

 

Sarah and James,

Your mom is 24 weeks along. We’ve been doing a lot of talking about you… and about our dreams and what families look like. We’ve thought hard about what we want to give you.

Your mom has a great calling - to be out there making a world a safer place, caring for people who are being bullied and need help. She is so skilled at what she does. And she is very driven, and very committed to continuing that career. Her paycheck doesn’t hurt us, either.

We lucked out, in that I got a chance to do that work for many years. Now I’m done, at least for a while, and I’m able and ready to be here for you two.

Sarah, you’re named after the woman I am incredibly lucky to have had as a mother. I would have given anything for you to have been able to meet her, and her to meet you. More than anything in the world, your grandma Sarah wanted to love people… as many as she could. She knew that meant unglamorous work sometimes, and sometimes it meant telling them things they didn’t want to hear. Sometimes it meant holding them accountable. For her, it always meant hard work, and commitment, joy and self-sacrifice. And it meant bravery. She was the person who taught me to be brave… to always stand back up again, even when it’s hard, and even when you’re afraid.

Sarah, I made a sketch of your grandmother from memory, and I included it here in this journal.

James, you’re named after my best friend, the man who might as well be my brother. You’re going to hear a lot of stories about him. I hope you’ll spend a lot of time with him… plenty enough to come to your own conclusions. But what I’ll tell you about him is this. James Buchanan Barnes is one of the greatest men who ever lived. He keeps teaching me every day about bravery, and about having compassion -- for yourself and for other people.

James, I included a sketch here of your Uncle Bucky, from memory -- it’s a memory of him at about the age you will be when I give this to you. That was a long time ago now. I just want you to have it.

 

Kids,

Your mom is 25 weeks along, and we’ve proudly managed to provide you with two whole grandparents at this point in your life. And I want to start this entry off by saying how much they love you.

It’s easy to forget how different your mother’s upbringing was from mine, until we spend time with your grandparents… and especially when your grandparents have reason to celebrate. In this case, they were celebrating you. And let me tell you, you are their first grandchildren. And they are very serious about getting you celebrated.

We had a baby shower for you two yesterday that probably cost more than your parents’ wedding. It certainly had more flowers.

Your grandma did all the planning herself, which definitely led to fewer headaches for your mom. I can’t even begin to describe how fancy it was. I have no frame of reference for baby showers here, kids, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say this was quite out of the ordinary.

You now have all the furniture and strollers you need for a few years, diaper service times two or the foreseeable future, and quite a dizzying stock portfolio for two little beans who haven’t hit five pounds total yet. We also now have a startlingly large collection of monogrammed items. I think your grandparents must be quite worried we’ll get you confused, so they want us to keep you labelled. The collection is primarily baby bibs, clothes and sterling silver bowls and plates and little spoons. I’m sure we’ll get pictures made in your monogrammed outfits. And I do know what to do with all the thoughtful bibs. I don’t remember babies in my day doing a lot with silver, but maybe that part will become clearer as I get more experience with this dad business.

Next week, Laura Barton is throwing us another shower. I might know which fork to use at that one.

 

Sarah and James,

As promised, the Bartons threw us a beautiful shower this week. My heart just gets so full thinking of all the people who love you already.

I hope you know all these people well by now, and have wonderful memories of them and earnest relationships with them. Your Aunt Nat put a lot of thought into strategizing for mobility and supplies for you. She got us a great collection of diaper bags, tote bags and emergency bags to put everywhere, and your Uncle Bucky filled them up with useful things - baby wipes, baby medicine, first aid kits, diaper cream, emergency diapers, pacifiers… which I learned last week, your mother’s family apparently all call “zulies”.

Your Uncle Sam has promised to keep our freezer full of food for the first couple months of your lives. Your mom and I, we might have both cried quite a bit at that gift.

Scott also brought you lots of various supplies, including several blankets, clothes, and a nail clipper with a little light that he swears we’ll love. I believe him.

Wanda brought more clothes, and three boxes full of baby books. I think she’s been shopping and collecting them for months. Please know that every time you read something in your life, Aunt Wanda helped you do that.

Your stock portfolio has expanded to include Stark Industries. Arrangements have been made for your delivery to be secure and state of the art. And you now have two little spandex outfits that match your mom’s SHIELD uniform and my Captain America gear. I suppose we need to get pictures taken of you in those too. Also, your Uncle Tony assures us that you’ll get into any college you apply for. I’m not entirely certain what he means by that, but I’m certain it’s heartfelt.

The Bartons, besides hosting, have been so sweetly generous. They got you more books, and what they called a godsend bathtime combo gift. It includes not only several items for bathing you two, but also a clear vinyl shower curtain and a streamlined pair of bouncy chairs that fit in the bathroom. The latter is so your caregivers can fit in some showers of our own during the next year. I am absolutely certain that I’ll be singing their praises for that many times over.

We’re surrounded by people who love you very much.

 

Sarah and James,

You and mom are 28 weeks along, and we’re getting the nursery just where we want it to be. It feels great to have your room ready for you… your space with your stuff in it. Everyone helped paint and prepare and plan. You have books and animals and toys and mobiles and window decorations and nightlights and anything else you might need to keep you healthy and happy and satisfy your learning needs and your interests.

You already have a place in our heart, and now that’s reflected in the house.

 

Sarah and James,

You and mom are at 31 weeks, and she’s had what are apparently called pre-term contractions. It’s not time to meet you yet, but we’ve been told mom needs to go on bedrest now.

Your mother, upon hearing she needed to stay in bed for the weeks until you’re here, only threatened the life of the midwife once. That’s how committed she is to doing what’s best for you both.

She’s gotten some administrative duties given to her at her job, so she can still work part-time from bed. Thank your uncle Nick for that, kids; that may save us all from catastrophe.

 

Kids,

35 weeks and you’re doing great. We’re just hanging on, keeping you both in there as long as we can, to strengthen your little bodies… your lungs, especially. Twins usually come early, so we’ve prepared for that eventuality. Besides the medical team, Mom has her eye on your activity already. She’s been counting your kicks and rolls all along the way.

Whenever you arrive, we’re gonna be thrilled to see you.

 

Sarah and James,

You’re at 37 weeks and the contractions are real this time.

We’re getting the family situated for your birth.

It’s almost time, kids, it’s almost time to meet you!

Love, Dad

 

Kids,

We’re ready for the party, so to speak. Tony’s had the whole family and your mom’s midwife set up in a special suite at a top-notch facility. Things are going well enough that we’re still planning a vaginal birth. Aunt Nat and uncle Bucky and uncle Sam are all hanging out with us while your mom progresses through the stages of labor.

Gentle movement is very good for a woman delivering babies. So your mom is walking carefully around the suite, yelling at coworkers on her phone headset. She has one last project that she absolutely refuses to give up on finishing yet. Something about supervising transport of some very delicate items, perhaps with otherworldly levels of power. Anyway, we’ve got hours before your arrival, so she’s making the most of the time.

There’s a betting pool among your uncles that involves not only when you decide to arrive but how many times I’ve cried before you get here. (And they don’t know I know this but I’m 90% sure they’re also betting on whether I drop one of you today.)

I’ll keep you updated as things progress.

 

Kids,

It’s been a few hours. Mom’s more comfortable sitting right now, so she’s started a poker game with Nat and Buck.

I’m.. I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing.

There was a night of my life once, when I knew something really big and important was going to happen the next day. It was the night before the big procedure that changed a lot of things in my life. It gave me the chance to finally give of myself the way I wanted to, finally follow the desires I had to serve other people.

That night before, I… I knew good things were coming. There was danger - a chance that I wouldn’t survive - but mostly I knew deep down, somehow, that wonderful things would come of it. I had a strange calm about it. It was such a soothing, otherworldly feel, this calm, that I felt a bit drunk, and I was very glad that I didn’t have to accomplish anything but fumbling around my space at the barracks that night.

I feel a similar way now. There’s a similar calm that’s bigger than me, even bigger than that night. There are dangers… this time the danger is for people I love. No matter how advanced medicine gets, this whole process is still dangerous for you, and for your mom too. But mostly I know that something really wonderful will happen because of all this going on right now.

The only thing I can concentrate on at all is your mom’s state and yours. How she’s feeling, what she wants, how dilated she is, what direction your heads are pointing. I’m so very glad to know our extended family is here too, but I can hardly speak, much less play cards.

This is just so big. I want so much for you both, I’ve wanted to meet you with all my heart.

And I’ll get to hold you soon. Within hours.

Look, kids, I’m sure that by the time you read this, you’ve heard a story or two of how brave Captain America supposedly was, taking the serum or fighting this or that. I expect I might have even bored you with a tale or two myself. But there is nothing - nothing - that I have ever done that comes close to your mother’s work bringing you into the world. I don’t mean the pregnancy. It’s not pregnancy that makes a mom. She loves you so much, and she has been so selfless through all this. She’s worked so hard. She’s overcome so many obstacles. She’s faced it all with her head held high, with grace and beauty. She’s wonderful.

I’m going to tend to your mom again. Contractions are getting closer, so I’m not entirely sure when I’ll write next.

 

Sarah. And James.

I love you so much.

It got very, very busy, and a bit frantic. And now it’s still and quiet. You’re both laying next to your mom. You’re all sleeping.

I pulled out the journal, and I held it in my hands for what felt like forever. I didn’t know how to find any words to write down. I didn’t even know how to look away from the sight of three of you.

So I sketched. I’ve drawn page after page of all three of you. I think I know which one I’ll put in here.

Sarah, you came first. The first thing that ever happened to you in this world is that I held you in my hands. You’re so small and perfect.

James, you were second. We thought for a minute that we might need to go in and help you, but instead you kept trying. And we were here when you were ready. You immediately started talking to me. I have no idea what you said but it sounded very important.

I really don’t know what to say. I’m going to put this down now and sketch some more until everyone is awake again.

 

Sarah, James,

We got you home without dropping either one of you.

We passed the first parenting test with flying colors.

 

Dear Sarah and James,

You’re three days old. There’s a lot of sketches here now. I might need to find another way to keep these for you.

I spent a fair part of yesterday trying to properly draw your yawn, James. It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

You’re three days old and I love you both this much. I’m in trouble.

 

Dear Sarah and James,

You’re both two weeks old. (That “both” kinda goes without saying on that one, doesn’t it?). We’ve just been trucking along, sleeping and eating and changing diapers. Truth be told I’m not sleeping much yet, even though you’re both out 18 hours a day. But we’re focusing on getting your mom the rest she needs to recuperate.

Neither one of you is fond of sleeping without the other one touching you. This makes things very handy once you both conk out.

Uncle Bucky found me a portfolio to keep all my sketches of you safe. On some of them, I’ve written down scraps of songs and rhymes we’ve made up as we get delirious with fatigue and joy, singing to you both. I expect they might be amusing.

 

Kiddos,

You are one month old today! I may or may not have bought a cake and party hats. (There’s probably not much sense in being coy about that, because Sam took a lot of pictures.)

It’s Saturday. Your mom thinks she talked me into having a night out with the guys. Instead, she’s getting a surprise. Aunt Nat is taking her out, and Uncle Bucky, Uncle Sam and I will be hanging out with you two.

 

I believe Aunt Nat had a bet going on which one of us got peed on first. I’m actually not sure who “won,” because I marveled at James holding James and Sam holding Sarah for approximately 5 minutes before I fell promptly and deeply asleep. I guess maybe I’m a little behind on rest.

 

Sarah and James,

It’s Saturday again, and Nat and Bucky have shown up, insisting your mother and I both shower and dress and leave. Your mom’s about ready.

Nat and Bucky are special people. I hope you’ve gotten the chance to get to know them by the time you’re reading this. They both have plenty of reasons to not be the pleasant and caring people they are. But they’re stubborn and they have good hearts. We’re all lucky to know them.

(End-of-evening note: we spent a fair portion of our date night researching toys for you on our phones. We may be a little rusty at dating.)

 

You’re 6 weeks old, and we finally replaced the crib music player that broke before you were even born. We’ve had our hands full, okay?

 

At 6 weeks and two days, we are now certain that you both love music. Lullabies, nature sounds, groovy tunes for playtime. You’re captivated. Your eyes get so big and you often stop your chattering between yourselves. Sometimes it even distracts you when we know you must be hungry.

 

You’re 7 weeks old and you two look at each other a lot. It’s hard for mom to tandem nurse because you two get so busy looking at each other, you stop eating. I’m curious to know if you two have opinions about each other already. Have you just noticed there’s another little person over there? Or are you old friends at this point, having conversations even when you’re silent?

 

You’re two months old today and you’re both chunky monkeys by now. We are very excited. You had some difficulty regulating your temperature when you were first born, because you were so very tiny. But you’ve put on weight and you have beautiful rolls of insulation that we are thrilled about.

And you’re smiling. Your first real smiles. The books call it social smiling. You smile and me and mom and your uncles. Especially when we make funny sounds. Uncle Sam’s raspberries are the hit of the party.

 

Kids,

You’re 10 weeks old and I’m so glad we finally got a music player set up for you. You both love strong rhythms. You can entertain yourselves dancing and cheering to the music for ages. You love it, you both smile and kick and babble at each other.

 

Sarah, James,

You’re both so tiny, how does the entire house get this wrecked? You two might as well be hard-partying rock stars, the way this house looks.

Bucky’s cleaned the whole place twice this week and we’ve managed to ruin his work again.

 

Sarah and James,

You turn three months old today, on the nose. You guys are so big. You’re so big! How did this happen? I met your mom, what, a couple months ago maybe? Wild. Time is wild, kids.

We’ve been celebrating you getting so very big for about two weeks now, in the form of making preparations for your mom to go back to work.

Mom and Uncle Bucky are, in fact, on a mission right now that should last about a week. Mom selected the mission herself. She’s never been away from you for more than a few hours, but she decided it would be best for her to dive into the deep end with a week-long job, first up. I think she’s gonna do great. And despite feeling the need to get back to work with every fiber of her being, she is still - still - an absolute wreck to leave us all here to fend for ourselves. She swears she’ll get us breast milk when we need it. I believe her. But Uncle Sam brought by some formula to have on hand, just in case. (He’s also staying here while mom’s gone. I’m a big boy, but four hands do come in handy around here. You two are remarkably uncooperative when I try to just press you back to back and carry you both around as one armful of baby. I have to say I think your lack of teamwork on this one is a little immature.)

 

Kids,

Mom’s been gone three days and we learned today that she is capable of getting us replacement breast milk when we need it, despite being 2000 miles away in - best I can tell - some sort of deep jungle setting. We also learned that you two can sleep through a QuinJet landing in the backyard.

 

Sarah and James,

There’s two sketches I made of mom spending time with each of you separately. They will be in your collection of sketches I’m keeping for you. Yes, I could just take a picture. You’ll have those too. Yes, you know what it looks like already. But I want you to know what it feel like too, through my eyes. Humor your dad and pretend you enjoy the stack of old paper I’ve saved for you.

 

Kids,

Well, you’re four months and 2 weeks old now. And I guess your mom and I have had a good run. But I’m pretty sure she’s about to leave me for your Uncle Bucky.

You see, four months old is the perfect age for you to be introduced to solid foods. I researched it thoroughly. And rice cereal is the item most doctors recommend we start with, so rice cereal is where we started.

Both of you immediately began having a dire amount of gas. A lot. A lot of gas. And we just couldn’t seem to help you with it. We burped you and made bicycle movements with your little legs. We tried everything the books said to try and fix the problem. But you were still miserable.

We backed off, and tried again a few days later. When you got the supergas again, we switched to barley instead (the second most commonly recommended food item for you to start with) and we gave that a shot. But that didn’t work either. You had no other signs of allergy or sickness. You just got terrible painful gas every time we offered anything but breast milk.

Then, yesterday. Aunt Nat and Uncle Bucky were here. Buck found the unfinished rice cereal, and heard what was going on, and he absolutely insisted we try again. So, we fixed some, and fed you. And then we all sat around waiting for your big bloated moment. When you got fussy, James, the man you’re named for picked you up and simply twisted you like your top half was a bottle top… first to one side and then to the other. That was it. He wrung you like a wet towel.

And you burped like you’ve never burped before.

And now, you’re the happiest baby in the world, sleeping off your milk and your successfully consumed rice cereal. Bucky walked your mother through doing the maneuver on you, Sarah, and you are now equally satisfied with life.

Your mother was so relieved, she’s been crying and hugging Buck for fifteen solid minutes. I’m a forgotten element of baby furniture at this point. I think she was terrified we’d have to feed you breast milk for the rest of your lives.

Now, I have to assume this little trick is something Uncle Buck learned helping to raise three baby sisters. I hope by now he’s shared some of those stories with you. If he hasn’t, you really should urge him to do so. The Barnes girls were quite a force to be reckoned with.

At any rate, Buck has earned himself the title The Burp Whisperer. I’m told that’s very funny. I think there’s a reference I’m missing.

Love, Dad

 

Sarah, you’re going to be okay. That’s what the doctors said, and it’s true. You’re already getting better.

You two had gotten a cold once before. You’ve been in great health, better than average for babies. And that first cold made you very cranky, but it came and went pretty easily.

Maybe we got too careless after that. But this time, as soon as your congestion got thick and your fever spiked, we got you to the doctor. Things went pretty fast from there. Apparently it can be an aggressive virus. You were in the hospital for a couple days being watched and forcing fluids.

You struggled so hard to breathe, Sarah. I’m ashamed to say it but I got too upset. Bucky was there, luckily, and told me to step away. He stayed with you and your mom, said something about all the hours he’s logged in listening to the patented Rogers wheeze. I didn’t go far from you. I just needed to calm myself down. I’ve never, ever been so scared. I didn’t know what to do. And we just never know how the serum effects might show up… or wear off. I never imagined I’d survive to have a family, when I agreed to that experiment. It kills me that I may affect your life negatively with this decision. They say it’s odd that the virus took hold of a healthy baby so fast.

But like I said, you’re gonna be okay. You already are. There shouldn’t be any lasting effects. Just a bad respiratory infection, but we caught it before any damage was done. Your lungs are sounding better and better and we’re watching you closely.

I love you so much, Sarah. James missed you so much while you were gone.

I love you,  
Dad

 

Sarah, we got the all clear. You’re healthy and you’re happy, and you’re both less grumpy when the other one is around. Thank God, thank God you’re okay.

Love, Dad

 

Sarah and James,

In the past three days you’ve both learned to sit up without help… though if either one of you smiles, you forget to keep sitting up and topple over. It is the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life.

 

Sarah and James,

We’ve kept you alive and healthy - and even happy - for six whole months today. What a journey. What a ride it’s been.

Sarah, you get captivated by my lullabies… or by my bad singing, one of the two. You’ll often stare at me in wide-eyed fascination when I sing to you. One song that you love came from my mother when I was a child, “Toora Loora Loora.” Your other favorite is “Over the Rainbow,” a song I didn’t hear until I was an adult.

For actually getting to sleep, though, you prefer your mother’s voice, and her songs. No matter how fussy or overtired you are, she can soothe you and calm you down. Your favorite songs she sings are “Hush, Little Baby,” and a little ditty momma likes called “No Scrubs.”

James, you will now hug anything that stands still long enough for you to focus on it. Mom, Dad. Uncles and Aunts. You love being held and you love throwing your arms open wide and embracing people. And animals. The day we wandered into a dog park on one of our walks I thought you’d lose your mind.

You’ve both come to love a rousing game of peekaboo as well. Aunt Nat in particular seems to have the magic touch, and can keep either one of you playing for ages.

You both started teething within the past week, but you’ve been far less fussy than we expected. Maybe you’ve inherited both of your parents’ hardheadedness about ignoring discomfort when there’s things to do.

Neither of you will currently sit in my lap while facing me. You have to be facing out, watching everything go by. There’s obviously too much to see to be stuck staring at old-news dad.

 

Kids,

You’re seven months and two days old. It’s so remarkable how you’ve grown. Sarah, you’re nearly crawling… but not quite. You can get into position, and you know you want to do something with your legs. And then you faceplant. When you’re not working on crawling, you love the toy cars Uncle Sam got you recently. We can pull them back and watch them go across the floor. You like rolling balls around with me too.

James, you love fingerpainting right now. You’d do it every waking minute if we let you. You started by playing with your food, and then we soon realized you’d cooperate more at meal time if we gave you brightly colored mush to smear around at other times. So. Mom went and found some good recipes for edible paint. And you have decorated the bathtub and your special tray over and over again. Mom even found a way to preserve your work on paper and she’s started posting it all over the kitchen and dining room.

Uncle Sam has threatened this for two months now, but now he’s gone and done it. He got a hold of someone he knows with publishing connections… actually took them some of my sketches. And now a woman wants to speak to me about potentially writing a children’s book.

This may come to nothing kids, but I want to preserve this little moment in time when your dad came this close to hitting the big time and being famous!

 

Sarah and James,

You’re eight months and five days old and you’ve both got solid Army crawls down. Sarah’s pushing her arms further up and getting a faster crawl going, and James is spending more time pulling himself up to almost stand on his own.

These two big parts of me are warring now. This is entirely selfish on my part but this is the first time in all of this that I’ve thought… I’m not ready. I’m not ready for you to walk. It’s all happened so fast. Your life has just been a steady stream of miracles and now here comes another. It’s so easy to want things to never change, to grab hold of something and not want to let go.

But that’s just one side of me talking… the side that’s seen too much spin by. There’s another part of me that’s full enough to burst with all the goodness that’s spun into my life, seemingly out of nowhere. Your mom. Our family. You.

I can’t wait to keep watching you grow up, to see you just be who you are right now - whenever now is - and to watch you become the people you’re becoming.

 

James, you’re nine months old and the birds are your favorite right now. We have blue jays and bluebirds and cardinals in the neighborhood, and when they land in the back yard you lose your mind. You’re so happy to see them. I put up a bird feeder last week to try and bring more in. You’ll stand at the glass back door for the longest time, watching them swoop in and peck around the yard.

James, you were second to crawl, but first to pull yourself up. I think getting to the back door to see your favorite birds was your goal.

 

Kids,

WHY is the girls’ toy section entirely pink? WHY? Everything was bright colors for both of you up til now. And now this pink menace is taking over the “girls” section. And why is it three-quarters dolls? Where are the erector sets? Where are the cars? You love building things, Sarah, and mom and I are gonna find you every kind of building toy you might ever want.

And James, you can carry your favorite doll as long as you want to. Your mom and I nearly went a round with a parent who said differently in the store today and I’m telling you, right now and always, you don’t have to be any particular kind of man to be a good man.

Don’t let anybody tell you differently.

 

Sarah and James,

Well, it looks like I’m writing a children’s book. It should have some kitsch value for some folks, at the very least. And I get to show off illustrations based on the two of you, which makes me very happy.

You’re 11 ½ months old today and it’s been decided that your grandparents will throw your one-year birthday party for you. And all of our friends have been strongly urged to attend (I think your mom’s parents are still sore that you got a covert, unapproved baby shower).

James, there’s a woodpecker that’s showed up in the neighborhood. You saw him once, and you loved his red crown. I don’t quite know how you’ve done it, but I think you’ve even put together that it’s him who makes the pecking sound. When you hear it you do your bird dance... which is similar to your yogurt dance, and to your Earth, Wind and Fire dance.

 

Sarah and James,

This truth will no doubt be clear to you by the time you read this. But just know that it was already crystal clear at your first birthday party that the propriety that your grandparents value so very highly - and which I deeply respect - is also generally held in little regard by your parents’ motley little family of depression-era babies and cranky old soldiers and spies.

Now, there was not a serious incident at your first birthday event. Everyone figured out the lay of the land in time, and they adjusted their behavior accordingly for just long enough.

But this cannot last.

I haven’t said this to anyone else, but I’m calling it now. Next year there will be an incident, and your Aunt Nat will be the instigator.

I’ve got just a few pages left to this journal, so I think we’ll wrap this volume up at this milestone. I hope you get something out of this. I hope this isn’t the only time you get the message from us all that you’re loved and adored.

Mostly I hope you’re happy. I hope we’ve given you the best start we could. You’re amazing kids, and you’re going to do amazing things. You make this world better just by being in it. You make my life better by being you.

I love you, Sarah. I love you, James.


End file.
